In the Waiting

I miss our conversations

I miss the way you talked to me

I miss the way you made me feel 

I felt loved

I felt wanted

I felt everything

We would walk together

We would talk together

We would feel together

I just wish I hadn’t messed everything up

I think about what it would be like

If I hadn’t messed things up

Would we be together?

Would we still have those conversations?

Would you still make me feel the way I felt?

But you moved on

And I have to forget everything

Everything we had

You were the first person I loved

And I treated you poorly

I didn’t deserve you

I don’t deserve anyone like you

Do you ever look back 

At our conversations

Do you ever wish 

They had happened differently 

Or at a different time

Do you ever think 

We could have been more 

Do you even remember

The time we spent together

Do you dream 

Of what will happen 

Do you dare 

You even try

Do you take the risk 

And leave everything behind

Do you count down the days 

Till we see each other again 

I look back

And read our conversations

I wish 

They happened differently 

And at a different time

I think 

We could have been more

I remember

All the time we spend together

I dream 

Of what will happen

I dare 

To try

I will take the risk

And leave everything behind

I countdown the days

Till I get to see you again

Do you?

I was asked out on a date

And I said yes, 

But now I’m not sure

I have been battling with this all day

As soon as he asked me out

He started telling a lot of people

This makes me feel like I was a prize

And he just won and is celebrating

We haven’t even gone out yet

I don’t know if I am just psyching myself out of it

Or if this should be an actual concern

We haven’t discussed not telling people

But I told him I wasn’t telling people

I don’t know what to do now

When a guy finally likes me

I don’t know if I actually like him

Maybe I thought I did or I should

Because he likes me

Or maybe because other people were saying

We would be cute together 

And that he should be everything I am looking for

But I still don’t think that’s true

I just don’t know anymore.

Why is it

While I’m scrolling

Through many options

My thoughts

Go straight to you

You are 400 miles away 

At least

Why do you continue

To flood my mind

Your face

Your laugh

Your strength

Your way with children

Your love for others

And for God

I dream of you

And I don’t know why

There are days 

When I really miss my family

But I can’t do anything about it

Because I live in a different state now

I want to be able to talk to them 

See them

Spend times with them

But I can’t

If I need a hug

I want to be able to get one from them

But I can’t 

I want to play games with someone

But I can’t

When I’m bored 

All I want to do is call them

But I can’t

I like that I have a job

I like that I have a place of my own

But I hate that I’m so far away

I hate that

I don’t really have friends here

I hate that 

I don’t have any family here

I just want to be back home

I tell people I’ve never been in a relationship

Because it’s better than reality

It wasn’t a relationship

It was just constant abuse

He would make fun of me

Then use me

Then threaten me

and use me some more

I didn’t know how to end it

But once I did

It was too late

This thing started to build up

This fear was growing

Fear of it happening again

People would say, 

“Why don’t you just go out with someone”

”Why don’t you just date to date”

”It’s not like you have to marry them”

It’s hard to trust people

It’s hard to know if they are good

Or if they are bad

I want to trust people

I want to trust my own judgment 

I don’t understand

How people can meet

And then date right away

You don’t know them

What if they were like the last guy

What if they only want to use you

What if they just want to hurt you

What if they want to destroy you

How do you know

I want someone

Someone who will put up with me

My crazy, My lazy

My crying, My laughing

My sarcasm, My serious, My scary

My smart, My dumb

My family

My daredevil, My fun

My courage, My loneliness

My caring, and my love

I want someone

But I don’t know if I can

I don’t understand why

I continue to do this to myself

If I like someone

I tell them 

Because I don’t know what it’s like 

To be told that someone likes you

I’ve had people throw me out

Like a piece of smelly, moldy milk

The day before a party

I’ve had people step on me

Like I’m a small ant

Trying to get some food from a picnic

I’ve had people shove me aside

Like I was the least favorite part of a meal

I’ve had people pass me by

Like the homeless person 

On the side of the road asking for food or money

I would tell you how I feel about you

But I’m not going to

If I tell you that I like you

Then you might say something like, 

“Thanks for being honest, 

BUT I don’t feel the same.”

Or maybe you might say, 

“I appreciate your honesty, 

BUT I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

That three letter word 

Holds so much power

It carries a weight 

Of disappointment, pain, and worthlessness

That three letter word

Destroys a person’s self esteem 

And can ruin their chance 

Of ever trying again

That three letter word

Holds so much power

I would tell you how I feel

But I won’t

I’m terrified I will lose everything

On a few simple words

Like “I like you”

I know this is a lot

And can be confusing

So let me just emphasize this one thing

I’m not going to tell you

How I feel.

Maybe if I were skinnier

He’d notice me

Maybe if I were prettier

He’d notice me

Maybe if I were calmer

He’d notice me

Maybe if I were nicer

He’d notice me

Maybe if I were blonder

He’d notice me

Maybe if I had smoother skin

He’d notice me

Maybe if I was a brunette

He’d notice me

Maybe if I wore scandalous clothes

He’d notice me

Maybe if I had a nose piercing 

He’d notice me

Maybe if I had more friends

He’d notice me

Maybe if I had darker skin

He’d notice me

Maybe if I would stop talking to him

He’d notice me

Maybe if I was completely different

He’d notice me

Maybe if he would just look at me

He’d notice me

Dear Future Husband,

If you want to give me something expensive, 

Just give me your time. 

If you want to give me a home, 

Just give me your heart. 

If you want to give me protection, 

Just pray with me.

If you want to give me provisions, 

Just trust in God.

And if you want to give me a family, 

Just love me forever and ever.

If you want something expensive, 

I will give you my time. 

If you want a home, 

I will give you my heart. 

If you want protection, 

I will pray for you.

If you want me to provide, 

I will trust in God.

And if you want a family, 

I will love you forever and ever.

Lord, 

I hate asking for things

Because I know

There are people who need things

More than I do

But what I am asking for is

Is nothing you can’t do

And I know that my thoughts fill my mind

As tears fill my eyes

Tonight I was doing the dishes

And an overwhelming sense of loneliness 

Floods my whole body

A longing to be loved

Lord, 

I know how much you love me

And I know I love you

And I know you can do all things

But I have this longing

I want to have a family

I want to find a strong God fearing man

Someone who will hug me

While I’m doing the dishes

Because he knows I hate doing them

Take me on a late night drive

Because he knows I need to escape my thoughts

Listen to my rants about my day

Because he knows I listen to other peoples problems and give my advice

And puts up with all my crazy outbursts

Because he brings out my goofy side

Lord, I know I am asking for a lot

But as tears fill my eyes

Know that I am genuine

Know where my heart is

Know that I can’t keep doing this

I am here pouring out my heart

And needing you to answer, please!

I might have standards

But it’s for a reason

I will wait for the Man of God

Who puts others before himself

Knows to work hard

And even harder for God

He will lead our family

I need to see Gods love through him

Who will love me through anything

Its not our standards, It’s the Lords

I will wait for the Man of God

Who is patient and kind

Who is not jealous or proud

Who is not unforgiving

Who never gives up

Who never loses faith

Who is always hopeful

And who endures through every circumstance

It’s not our standards, it’s the Lords

I will wait for the Man of God

Who has perseverance and commitment

Purpose and confidence

Inspires everyone

Promotes excellence 

Provides safety 

Exemplifies loyalty

Protects from unintended and institutional drift

Shows effort to be interested in what I like

It’s not our standards, it’s the Lords

I will wait for the Man of God

Who likes to hold my hand when we go out

Who likes to open my doors

Who likes to just take a drive and listen to music

Who likes to just sit and listen to my problems

Who likes to let me listen to their problems

Who likes to spend time with family

Who likes to make me laugh

And who likes to spend time with me

It’s not our standards, it’s the Lords

I will wait for the Man of God

Who knows how to communicate

Who knows how to meet me where I’m at

Who knows how to comfort me

Who knows to be present 

Who knows how to be loved.