What We Don’t Say Out Loud

I deal with these things on my own

All these thoughts in my head

They crowd my brain when I am alone

All I can think about instead

I try to tell people these things

But they don’t listen or nothing comes out

I try to tell them it stings

But instead they make me doubt

My past is still my present

And I fear it will be my future

I wish I could stop thinking these things and 

My thoughts have become my ruler

I say I’m okay

But in reality I am not

I hide all my emotions away

So people will not think I am soft

I wish I could write it all out

And let people read it word for word

But people won’t know what it’s about

Because it all sounds a little absurd

I was emotionally abused

By a guy I once liked

He tore me down and I was used

And I didn’t put up a fight

I let him do whatever he wanted

I became his person punching bag

This continued till we departed

I had to wave my white flag

I have an issue with my friends

It’s hard for me to trust them 

Everything I say offends

I try hard not to condemn

I have a little bit of an issue

I close people out

I wipe their tears with tissues

But these relationship leave me in doubt

I try to stay serious 

To have no problems

But it makes me a little delirious

I try to put my thoughts into columns 

My past is still my present 

And I fear it will be my future

I wish I could stop thinking these things

While my thoughts have become my ruler

I see all my friends, 

Back at home, 

Posting pictures of their fun times, 

Of hanging out, 

Spending time with each other, 

While I just sit in my room, 

Crying because I am so lonely. 

I try to find filler, 

Homework, movies, working out, 

Cleaning, working, cooking, 

To keep me distracted. 

I sit in my room, 

And I fantasize, 

Being with my friends, 

Just spending time with them.  

I love what I’m doing here, 

But I don’t have my people, 

To laugh with, 

To cry with, 

To share my thoughts and feelings, 

To listen to their thoughts and feelings. 

So I sit here, 

In my dark room, 

Alone, 

With tears on my face, 

My heart, empty, 

And my hands, cold. 

Nobody to talk to 

Nobody to share my secrets

Nobody to tell my deepest thoughts

Nobody to listen

Nobody to hear my pain

Nobody to understand

Nobody to show me love

Nobody to comfort me

Nobody to tell me it’ll be okay

Nobody to tell me I’m worth it

Nobody to believe in me

Nobody to show me the way

Nobody to tell me I can do it

Nobody to make me feel normal 

Nobody to make me feel like I belong

Nobody to make me feel appreciated 

Nobody to make me feel seen 

Nobody to make me feel heard

Nobody to make me feel loved

I don’t even know who to talk to, 

I have all these things bottled up inside, 

That are waiting to explode. 

I sit on my bed and cry, 

The tears streaming down my face, 

But no one hears, 

No one notices. 

It’s like I’m on an emotional roller coaster, 

I feel like I’m in a never ending cycle, 

Where I’m always stuck in the same place, 

No matter what I do, 

It all ends up the same.

I feel like I’m stuck in a game, 

Where I’m always playing alone, 

I don’t know which way to go, 

Or how to make this pain go away. 

I’m so lost and I don’t know what to do, 

I’m desperate for someone to hear me and listen, 

To help me break free from this maze.

There are too many days

Where I feel numb and alone

Days where I wonder

What if I just

Drive off this bridge

What if I just 

Don’t wake up

What if I just 

Bleed and don’t let it stop

What if I just suffocate in water

What if I just 

Pull out in front of a car

There are too many days 

That I cry myself to sleep 

Too many days 

Where I just don’t want to be here

Too many days

Where I think about you

Too many days 

Where I wish I could have saved you

All I want is a hug

For someone to notice

That I’m struggling

That I’m hurting inside

I want someone to notice

That the smile on my face is forced 

Because I don’t like burdening others

With my struggles and my problems

With my anxiety

All I want is a hug

For someone to notice

All the doubt

All the insecurities

I want someone to notice

That I’m dying on the inside

And I don’t know what to do

I have all this bottled up

And if it cracks

It’s all going to flow out

All I need is a hug

And a little bit of someone’s time

That’s all I need

It’s hard for me to talk to people

When all they do is make fun of me

I don’t understand why they say the things they do

Do they not understand

That I already beat myself up about those things

Do they not understand that I shut down

When they say those things

I want to hangout with them

But its hard to when they pick on me 

Sometimes I hide 

Because I don’t want to talk

But sometimes I hide

Because I feel like they don’t like me

I don’t know how they feel about me

Deep down

But do I really want to know

Nobody knows how many times

I’ve sat in my room and cried

How many times

I’ve lost hope

How many times

I’ve been let down

How many times 

I have had to hold back tears

When I’m sad

The bad thoughts that go through my mind

Sometimes the strongest people

Are the ones who love beyond all faults

Cry behind closed doors

And fight battles that nobody knows about

I keep myself together

For the ones I love

Only those who have known darkness

Can truly appreciate the light 

I look at pictures of myself

And all I can do is cry

I hate the person in the picture

She’s fat and ugly

She’s not the person I want to be

She eats too much and doesn’t exercise

Her teeth aren’t white

And her thighs are too wide

You can’t see her eyes when she smiles

And her hair is a mess

He is so disgusting

I look at her and I want to cry more

No wonder she is still single

Who would want her

Who would want to put up with all of that 

People try to show her that she is beautiful 

But all they do is make it worse

Just let her beat herself up

Let her tear herself apart

Things don’t get better

Till they’ve gotten much worse

When a friend is in need

How can I not help them

When a friend is in an unsafe situation 

How can I not give them a safe haven

When a friend needs food

How can I not feed them

When a friend is thirsty

How can I not give them something to drink

When a friend needs guidance

How can I not point them to scripture

When a friend is feeling betrayed

How can I not show them the same love God has given me

When a friend is so terrified she cries and shakes

How can i not open my arms to her

When a friend needs a friend

How can I not be what she needs

I think about the times I wish I had friends

I think about the times when I had my person

I think about the time when I will be with my person

I think about the cute dates we’ll go on

I think about the adventures taken

I think about the meals we will make together

I think about the arguments we might have

I think about the great conversations to come

I think about the beautiful mornings together

I think about the late nights 

I think about a lot of things

I can’t fail

Because then I’m weak

I can’t succeed

Because then I’m stuck up

I can’t look pretty

Because then I’m trying to be noticed

I can’t look ugly

Because then I’m unwanted

I can’t wear shorts

Because then I’m showing too much

I can’t wear jeans

Because then I’m showing too little

I can’t put my hair up

Because then I’m too lazy

I can’t do my hair nice

Because then I’m trying too hard

I can’t talk to people

Because I sound too flirty

I can’t stay quiet

Because people will think I’m unapproachable

I can’t cry

Because then I’m too emotional

I can’t have a stone cold face

Because then I’m seen as mean

I can’t tell someone I like them

Because I’m being too forward

I can’t wait for someone to tell me they like me

Because I’ll be waiting for an eternity

I can’t go out

Because then I’m a party girl

I can’t stay in

Because then I’m boring

I can’t post on social media

Because then I’m looking for attention

I can’t write people letters

Because that’s seen as old fashioned

I can’t switch churches

Because then I’m seen as a rebel 

I can’t stay at my church 

Because there’s nothing there for me

I can’t move away

Because my family needs me

I can’t stay here

Because I have nothing here

I can’t do a lot of things

Because that’s how the world works

Sometimes people don’t understand how much I cry

They don’t see my reactions when I’m alone

They don’t understand how much their words hurt me

Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say

When I am quiet it means I have been hurt by your words

I choose not to talk because I can only make things worse

My feelings matter but people don’t think they do

My emotions are real even when you can’t see them

My silence is loud thought you probably didn’t notice

When I am alone in my car, I cry

When I have a short break from people outside, I cry

I cry because I have been hurt

I cry because the people I thought cared didn’t

I cry because i\I’m not actually wanted anywhere

But sometimes people don’t understand how much I cry 

Graduating college does not feel different

I thought there would be a big change

I thought I would feel more adult

I thought I would feel more independent

It feels like any other day

Same routines

Same people

Same loneliness

The only difference is 

I don’t have a class to go to

I don’t have a professor to deal with

And I don’t have an endless amount of homework

Now I have to start over

Find a job

Find an apartment

Find a new community

Looking for a job is difficult

Especially in ministry

Especially for not having a lot of work experience

Especially for being a single woman

Adulting is complicated

Affording an apartment

Affording groceries

Affording other necessities

I keep having these feelings

Feelings of sadness

Feelings of doubt

Feelings of wanting someone to experience like with me

Maybe everything will get better

But what if it doesn’t 

But what if it does

But what if nothing ever changes and I’m stuck

Why am I struggling with this?

Why does it sound like baptism is salvation?

Why does this not feel right?

Repent and believe and be baptized?

Repent and believe and be baptized??

I thought baptism was an act of obedience

Not a salvation issue

Am I sealed in Christ because I am baptized?

Because I am baptized

I am safe?

I can do no wrong

This means I will go to heaven 

This means I will be in heaven forever

I am so confused 

Why am I still struggling with this?

I went to Olive Garden tonight

By myself

It was packed

So I sat at the bar

I don’t want to do that ever again

I felt sad

Depressed

Alone

I felt like those drunk people

That go to the bar

After work every day

And drink themselves to sleep

And I wasn’t even drinking

Do you ever feel like you are stuck

Stuck in one place

And are afraid of what would happen

If you moved or if you stayed

Do you ever feel like you are stuck

With the same people

The same routine

The same conversations

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

In a constant deja vu moment

Or change your room around constantly 

To see if that will help make a difference

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

In the same dating patterns

Of not dating because you are scared

Scared from past relations

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

Because you have no self esteem 

And you can’t see yourself doing anything 

Or being anything that who you are right now

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

In a maze inside your brain 

Trying to collect your thoughts

But still nobody understand you

Do you ever feel like you are suck 

In a state of sadness that never leaves

To the point you fake any interactions

And smiles have been rehearsed

Do you ever feel like you are stuck

In a constant fear that you are not good enough

That you will never do great things

Or make your dreams come true

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

In a haze of worrying 

About what others think of you

Or if you are doing what God has intended for you

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

In a tornado of lies

That continue to build up

Because you tell people you are fine

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

Of trying to make everyone happy 

And accommodate to their needs

And never saying no

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

In this constant tiredness

Even though you get enough sleep

You still cannot stay awake

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

Trying to act mature

Because that’s what’s expected of you

When all you want to do is throw a fit

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

On top of a mountain 

That had no way down 

Expect to fall of the edge

Do you ever feel like you are stuck 

I know I feel stuck

And I don’t know what to do 

I’m just stuck 

I knew that moving to a different state

For a job 

Would be hard

But I didn’t think it would be this hard

These past few months 

Living in Iowa

Have been challenging but also rewarding

I’ve met a lot of great people

Gained new friends 

Created a good work routine

And have grown deeper in my relationship with God

But will all these good things

Comes some struggles 

After my first month in Iowa

Towards the end of August

My great grandmother, Virginia, passed away

Her and I were very close

So I decided to visit home

I ended up spending around 2 weeks

Back in Indiana

As my car decided to stop working 

On the highway into Illinois

Heading back to Iowa

I waiting on the side of the road

For over three hours

For a tow but eventually 

I made it back to my family

I was able to head back to Iowa

A few days later 

To find many of my new friends 

Constantly checking in on me

A few weeks after that

My grandparents came and visited me

The first of many visits 

A few weeks later

One of my new coworkers and I 

Went to a conference in southern Indiana

It was challenging 

But also very informative

About working with kids, volunteers

And growing people into strong leaders

Who love God and have a servants heart

Thus ending the month of September

The whole month of October 

Was a bit of a blur

I had a luncheon/training event

For my kids ministry volunteers

Which went well

Followed by a few meetings the next few weeks

Then my parents and my brother visited 

For a quick weekend

This is what made me miss home the most

When you live most of your life

Talking and seeing these people

Everyday 

To not seeing them at all

And talking on the phone

A few times a week

It’s so hard

But they did leave me

With a bunch of little treasures to find

All throughout my apartment

100 to be exact

Only a few weeks later

My other grandparents came to visit

They were proud to see the friends I’ve made

The work I have been doing

And how I have been growing

This visit introduced the month of November

As each month passes

I miss my family more and more

I find myself in tears

Over silly little things

That remind me of them

Missing my Wednesday night dinners

With my dads side of the family

Riding in a combine with my Papa

My moms dad

And working on puzzles with my Grammy

My moms mom

I laugh when my dad tells me

He beat my mom at another game of solitaire

Because she normally wins

I wish I could watch 

The Hobbit or The Lord of the Rings

Or Star Wars with my brother

And pretty much quote every single line with him

I miss being able to have long conversations

With my mom 

About anything and everything

These are the things people don’t talk about

When they move away from home

They don’t talk about 

How much they miss everyone they left behind

I miss them

So much 

As December came around

Everyone was on high alert

The Christmas prep season

Had already started

I was coming up with new ways

To entertain the children at church

I made Christmas Eve service boxes

That included a small coloring booklet

Crayons and treats

My plan was to travel to Indiana 

To visit my family for Christmas

So that’s what I did

Though it was different this year

We normally have one Christmas

At my Greatgrandmas house

But since she passed in August

This would be the first one without her

We still had our Christmas at my moms parents

On Christmas Eve

Then we had our Christmas 

On Christmas morning 

Then we went to my dad’s parents 

For Christmas lunch and dinner

My family also did some axe throwing 

I wasn’t the greatest at it

For new years

We went up to Michigan 

To visit our other family

We did Christmas with them 

Stayed up late playing games

Always ate good food

And then celebrated the new year

Welcome January

I headed back to Iowa on the third

And went right back to work

We had our staff Christmas party

At a local hockey game

Then came my birthday

This would be the first birthday 

Without my family and friends 

But some new friends

Threw me a surprise party 

That next weekend

My parents came to visit 

And they brought my moms parents too

But eventually they had to leave

And here comes February

I had been planning a Galentine’s event

For Valentine’s Day

For the youth girls

We had some bad weather but people still came

At the end of February

My friend Amanda got married 

And it was a beautiful celebration 

The next weekend

My parents came to visit again 

But with my dads parents this time

I hate saying it

But every time they leave 

It gets easier and easier 

To say goodbye 

But I still miss them 

Sometimes more than the last

March has been pretty steady

My weeks consist of work

And my weekend are full of laughter

But also a lot of alone time

It’s like they don’t understand their words hurt me

And they just brush it off

they tell me I talk too much

But they don’t understand

I don’t have people to talk to

Or people that are willing to listen

So when I talk

I might talk too much

They also say I talk too much about myself

But what am I supposed to talk about

When they ask a question about myself 

Am I just supposed to ignore them

Am I just supposed to answer shallow

Or am I supposed to answer their question

We were at lunch with people I didn’t know 

And they were making fun of me the entire time

I felt unwanted and embarrassed

Their humor was not funny

Or I just didn’t understand

So I sat in silence most of the time

Just because I like to watch movies

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because I like to listen to music

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because I hate silence

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because I have movies playing in the background while I am doing mundane tasks

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because I want to be alone in my room 

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because I check my phone often

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because you say mean things about me

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because you say I watch a lot of movies

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because I hide in my room after you call me an iPad kid

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because I have noise around me because I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts

Does that make me an iPad kid

Just because I want to leave everyone and everything behind

Does that make me an iPad kid

If this is what people think of me 

Then am I what they think I am

I hate living alone

Constantly worrying

If someone is going to break in

Every door that opens outside

I think is someone trying to get in

Every noise I hear from this old building

I think is someone coming after me

I hate living alone

Forgetting to lock my bedroom door

And trying quietly to lock it

Thinking that someone will hear it

And know where I am

Grabbing my taser

That I keep by my bed

I hate living alone

Never getting a good nights rest

Always having bags under my eyes

Because I’m always worried 

Someone might break in

Someone might find me

And wondering what I can do about it

I hate living alone

I have no security

I have no stability

I never feel safe

I have nowhere else to go

I have nothing else to use

I am stuck

I hate living alone

I pray God protects me

And I recite scripture

Trying to see if that distracts me 

But it doesn’t 

I continue to think about

How unsafe I truly am 

I hate living alone

I don’t know why

I get so emotional

Sometimes, randomly

I might see a video

Or a photo

Or hear someone

That reminds me

Of my family

And the people in my life

That means the most to me

Just now

I saw a video

Of Drew Lynch

He is a comedian

Who was in an accident

And now stutters from it

He posted a video

Of when he had a bad stutter attack

The whole time

I was thinking of my childhood best friend

He stutters

He’s gotten better

But there are times

Where he will struggle

But it never stops him

I just got so emotional

Thinking about him

And his wife

I kept thinking

How lucky I am

To have such amazing friends 

But I can hardly see them

I’m so far away

And I hate being so far away

I HATE being so far away

From all my family

From all my friends 

I just get so emotional

So emotional I get sick

My stomach turns in knots

My head throbs

My jaw clenches

And my thumbs dig

I don’t think I’m happy

But I don’t think I’m sad

I don’t know what to do

Is there anything I can do?

I sit alone at night

Wondering what my friends are up to

Do they have plans tonight

Are they spending time with their family

Are they doing nothing

Are they watching a movie

Are they possibly thinking the same thing I am

The thing is

They are probably busy

If they weren’t busy

I would be with them, right?

No one wants to hang out with me

I’m always left out of the group

I rarely have things going on

And my friends are always doing something

Why don’t people want to hang out with me

Am I really that embarrassing 

Do I really make things that awkward

I have friends, 

Friends that don’t want to hangout with me, 

Friends that make excuses when I want to hangout, 

Friends that keep secrets, 

Friends that lie, 

Friends that try to support me but just me things worse, 

Friends who are always there but never truly willing, 

Friends that wouldn’t die for me, 

Friends who wouldn’t protect me, 

Friends who don’t care what I’ve been through, 

Friends who don’t care what I’m going through, 

Friends who make fun of me, 

Friends who are just annoyed, 

Friends who hurt me, 

Friends who make me feel unwanted, 

Friends who make me feel unloved, 

Friends who make me feel worthless, 

Friends who don’t really want to be my friend, 

But don’t worry, 

I have friends.